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I’m taking a moment just now to be reflective, be still and at peace. I am pausing to take notice of where I am now. To notice just how far I’ve come. I think it becomes really easy on a healing journey to spend so much time looking at the end goal – that panacea of health, whatever that may be for you or me – that we forget to be thankful for everything that has already happened and that we have already achieved. I guess this post is one of gratitude for all the ways that I have served my own higher good and my own blossoming health.
Looking Back To Where I Was
I am thinking back to the teenager I was. I was angry. I got dressed in black everyday. I didn’t want to mix with the majority of people in the world. I didn’t care about my diabetes. I didn’t care about my health. From here, things only got worse. By my twenties, my mental health had descended into a very deep, dark pit. I was so depressed that I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks at a time. I was so anxious that just walking down to the corner of my street, about 50 metres, was too much for me. I was trapped both in my mind and in my house.
As well as Type 1 Diabetes, clinical depression and clinical anxiety, I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, temporomandibular jaw dysfunction and recurrent infections. I spent a lot of my time seeing doctors. None of them seemed to be able to offer me anything more than temporary relief from symptoms.
I carried my victim status in all my interactions. I felt the world was out to get me. I felt the medical profession was my enemy. I felt God had abandoned me.
I wasn’t really aware at that time just how much I had come undone. I carried on until I couldn’t carry on anymore. I then got help. I started with psychotherapy. I saw multiple therapists over a ten-year period. Some helped some. Some didn’t help at all. One changed my life. Actually, he enabled me to change my life. That was the start of a thousand steps on my road of healing.
Gratitude for the Now
I am sitting here today, free of mental health issues. I have safely weaned myself off antidepressants. No anxiety, no depression remain. I no longer have temporomandibular jaw dysfunction. I rarely see any doctors or need to (apart from my usual diabetes check-ups). I eat well. I move well. I am optimistic about life.
I suspect that my inability to just sit down is rooted in my nervous system too. My twitchiness, my desire to always move and ‘do’ seems indicative of a fight-or-flight reaction. If you’re being stalked through the trees by a predator (or your body thinks that’s the case), you’re not just going to kick back and stargaze, are you?!
I have put down my victim mentality and picked up grace instead. I am grateful for all that life has given me. I am grateful for the woman it has enabled me to become. I am grateful for all the opportunities that life presents. I am grateful for the peace in my heart and the love that surrounds me. I’ve gone from continually reassuring myself, pleading with myself, that I’m ‘not a bad egg’ to telling myself that life is good. And really feeling that in my heart. I am healing. I am well. Life is good.
Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.
