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Fight-or-Flight Response

Considering Type 1 Diabetes As A Prolonged Fight-Or-Flight Response

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: The fight-or-flight response is a physiological reaction to perceived threat, which activates the sympathetic nervous system for survival. Could ongoing activation of this response be linked to Type 1 Diabetes? Exploring trauma as a cause, the author considers if unresolved stress may perpetuate this response, hindering healing unless discharged through physical release or other means.

What Is The Fight-Or-Flight Response?

The fight-or-flight response is a name given to a multifaceted automatic physiological response to real or perceived threat. This stressful, alarming or frightening situation leads the body to deactivate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for regulating the body’s rest and digestion responses. In its place, the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system is activated. This results in a cascade of bodily changes, which include increased respiration, increased heart rate, increased hormonal production and decreased digestion. These changes prepare the body to fight or flee from the perceived danger. This danger can be real or perceived as real and can be physical or emotional in nature. Any perceived threat will kick the parasympathetic nervous system into life. Then, once the danger has passed, the system is re-regulated by the sympathetic nervous system, with rest and digestion resuming.

Both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems consist of a series of nerves that are connected via the spinal cord. From the spinal cord, these nerves feed into a series of organs in the body. Interestingly, functions of the pancreas are regulated by the opposing effects of both the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems with both having an effect on insulin production in the beta cells. The parasympathetic nervous system stimulates insulin secretion. By contrast, the sympathetic nervous system shuts down insulin production, in order to ensure higher levels of glucose are available in the body in order to facilitate a fight/flight response.

Defining Trauma

I think, before I go on, I need to make it clear what I mean by ‘trauma’. I like to use Bessel van der Kolk’s definition of trauma as being any ‘inescapable stressful event that overwhelms [the individual’s] existing coping mechanisms’ [1]. Sounds like moments in life with diabetes to me! For the purposes of this discussion, trauma can include both the huge, life-altering experiences of war or natural disasters, as well as the smaller, insidious traumas of neglect or the loss of a loved one or potentially the daily infractions against the body of medical interventions, such as those used for Type 1 Diabetes.

Can Trauma Be The (Ongoing) Cause of Type 1 Diabetes?

I am starting to wonder whether Type 1 Diabetes may be the result of a triggered fight-or-flight response that has never reset itself. This triggered response would switch off insulin production and raise blood sugar levels to facilitate escape or a fight. However, if the body then does not realise or learn that it is now safe again, this fight/flight response will just continue and Type 1 Diabetes occurs. So could Type 1 Diabetes in fact be an ongoing trauma response for a trauma that has never been fully processed?

Across the years, I have talked to a number of Type 1 Diabetics and asked them their stories of developing diabetes. What was going on in their lives at that time? Again and again, I have heard them say that they suffered a loss, an abandonment, isolation and/or anger. I heard them say how the person they relied on was no longer there, perhaps due to death or a change of circumstances. Did these losses trigger a fear response, a fight-or-flight response in their systems? If the person they relied on was no longer there, they would have had no one to process this through with. They would have had no way to discharge this response and reset their bodies into using the parasympathetic nervous system. Their trauma story gets stuck in their bodies and is perpetuated on a daily basis with a ‘diabetic response’ – the continuous and repeated activation of diabetes in the body.

Completing The Fight-Or-Flight Cycle…?

I am wondering if the way out of this continuously evoked fight-or-flight response is to find a way to fully discharged it. If it is pent up in the body, it needs releasing. Dr Peter Levine, author of ‘Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma‘ [2], writes about how animals discharge the fight-or-flight response by vibrating, twitching, and lightly trembling. This sensation spreads throughout the body from the head to the toes and, in the process, resets the system to a resting state. Dr Levine goes on to discuss how, like animals, humans have instinctual power to heal that just needs tapping. The question is…. How?

My mind is going to Daniel Darkes as I write this. He is an ultra-marathon runner. Did he manage to discharge the trauma response from his system, and thereby restore his pancreatic functioning, by enacting the flight response through is running? If running does it, do other forms of exercise that stimulate similar levels of movement (swimming and cycling, for example) also provide the body with this flight response? As yet, I don’t know so, for now, I will sit with the question!

References:

[1] van der Kolk, B. A. (1996). Trauma and memory. In: A. C. McFarlane, L. Weisaeth, & B. van der Kolk (Eds.), Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society. (pp. 279-302). New York: Guildford Press.

[2] Levine, P. A., & Frederick, A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. Berkeley: North Atlantic Books.

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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July 26, 2021

Read more about the article Fight-or-Flight Response

Emotional Wellbeing / Intuition / Mind-Body Medicine / Nutrition / Physical Wellbeing / Taking Control of My Health

Hippocrates’ Wisdom

An Alternative View On Healing

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: Hippocrates, the ancient Greek physician, founded modern medicine and his principles still guide medical ethics today. Exploring his teachings on nature, illness origins, and patient involvement sparks deep introspection into the author’s healing journey. While some ideas challenge, like self-contribution to illness, they offer holistic insights crucial for balanced health and wellbeing.

Who Was Hippocrates?

Hippocrates was a Greek physician who lived in Ancient Greece (c. 460 – c. 370 BC). He is thought of as the founding father of modern medicine, having established it as a distinct practice from the more spiritual practices of the time. Indeed, Hippocrates’ medical assumptions and beliefs still form the foundation of the Hippocratic Oath that new medical practitioners swear to upon completion of their training.

Why Is Hippocrates Relevant To My Healing Journey?

I think there is great benefit looking back at the old masters, when the field of medicine didn’t exist and spirituality and science were mixed in equal measure. Healing is a force that has always been present in human culture and I wonder whether its nuances may have been easier to see in ancient times, when life and medicine were much less complicated and the body and mind were not considered distinct entities.

I have been having a wander through some of Hippocrates’ writings and have fallen into deep inspiration… I’m having an inspiration bath today! I’m grabbing my rubber duck, my favourite soap and a good book for this one because I think I may be here a while!!

So, without further ado, I’m diving into Hippocrates’ observations and teachings to light my way on my journey…

Hippocrates On The Healing Force:

As I have read more and more on cases of spontaneous remissions (which, to be honest, are never spontaneous… They take months or years of hard work by the person involved… It’s just in the doctors’ eyes that the person was ill one day and well the next!), I have come to realise that our intuition is always available to us and is continuously trying to steer us towards better health. We just need to lean in closely and learn how to listen to it.

So I make it a priority to keep asking myself the question… ‘What are my mind, body and soul really asking for today?’.

Hippocrates On Nature:

I think, when Hippocrates talks about nature here, he is referring to it in ways that, today, we would understand as two distinct components. Firstly, there is the nature around us in the world. Trees, plants, forests, lakes, rivers, the sea, deserts, mountains. Being in nature restores me in a way that the modern world of cities and urban landscapes just doesn’t. I am therefore taking the reminder from Hippocrates to access it more. I need to find ways to make it a more consistent part of my life, even in the hot, arid climate I now live in.

Secondly, I think Hippocrates could also be referring to nature as the internal body system we have, made up of cells and organs and tissues. My own body can heal me better than any medicine, if I just let it. And, each time I am living in excess in any part of my life – diet, exercise, laziness, stress, work, too much sleep – I am contravening this natural force. A striving for moderation is key (without, well, striving because that would to excess too!). Balance is healing.

Hippocrates On The Origins Of Illness:

Now this quote really peeked my interest. When my daughter was a year and a half old, her blood sugars started oscillating quite violently. A diabetologist confirmed my worst fears – she was in the latter stages of developing Type 1 Diabetes. He suggested, as a last resort, that we could try giving her a range of vitamins and probiotics to support her gut health since research was starting to suggest that Type 1 Diabetes may in fact be a gut disorder. Roll forward six years, my daughter still takes her supplements each day and is still a non-diabetic.

Hippocrates’ observation that illness results from ‘small daily sins against Nature’ resonates with how I have come to understand my T1D (see my post on allostatic load for a deeper explanation). It’s great to have my thoughts supported by someone in a different country, in a different time. I feel like we’re both somehow tapping into the universal healing that has always existed across time.

Hippocrates On The Patient’s Contribution To Their Illness:

Okay, so now I’m heading into choppier waters. This section is looking at how the patient may have contributed to their illness. I want to make clear at this point that I am in no way blaming myself, or any other Type 1 Diabetic, for creating their own illness. I don’t think any one of us, having any choice in this disease, would have chosen to have this. This is not about objective choice. But I am starting to come around to the idea that maybe, somehow, my body developed the diabetes in me as a way to process the ‘small daily sins against Nature’ that Hippocrates refers to. And I do believe that these ‘daily sins’ are not necessarily just physical in nature, not just what we eat and drink or how much we exercise or rest or sleep. I think they also fall into the mental, emotional and spiritual fields – the ‘thoughts’ that Hippocrates refers to in the second quotation here. So, again, Hippocrates is supporting those small whispers of intuition I have that say that who I am, how I turn up in the world, and how I respond emotionally and mentally and spiritually, are also important in this healing journey. Healing involves all aspects on myself, not just a selected few.

The two latter quotes of this section don’t sit so easily for me. I guess I need to ask myself the question… How much exactly do I have to give up?? I suspect that there may be a lot of unlearning to do before true healing is obtained. Through my years of healing so far, though, I have learned that you are never presented with more than you can contend with at each stage of healing. You are asked to stretch but not to the point of breaking. It isn’t easy, it isn’t pretty but eventually you get there. Like, right now, I feel that I am being asked to give up sugar. Like, totally. It feels like an impossible stretch. But three years ago, the idea of meditating every day was too much of a stretch. One year ago, forgiving anyone for anything was just too hard. Slowly but surely, the process unfolds and I find that I unfold with it.

Hippocrates On Tools For Healing:

I think that Hippocrates seems to offer a fair number of insights for me to pursue on my journey from here. Of course, as I have just mentioned above, I feel that food is important on a healing journey and the next step of mine is asking me to be sugar-free. I am not ready for that yet but I suspect that my future will possibly contain that truth. I am reminded about how it is often cited that our bodies are made up of the food we eat so do we want our bodies to be made of french fries or healthy proteins, fat and carbohydrates? Of course, when put like that, it’s a no-brainer. But maybe this is where the second quote here comes in… I need to apply the warmth, sympathy and understanding to myself with this current struggle of mine. Removing the judgement around my current struggles with what I eat are more likely to lead to a better outcome than continually beating myself up for what I put in my mouth. Perhaps it is that hostility towards my perceived flawed nutrition that requires the healing, rather than the nutrition itself. I suspect better nutrition would naturally result if it wasn’t dragged through such hostility on a daily basis!

Okay, so maybe there is new ground for me to cover here… The spine and astrology! I know that Dr Joe Dispenza, as well as being a respected healer, is a trained chiropractor. Whilst I don’t necessarily want to do all that training, I wonder if an adventure into the world of chiropractics might yield insights for me. Similarly, I know very little about astrology and I’m not quite sure how it may be useful to me but, until I investigate, I won’t know more!

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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July 19, 2021

Read more about the article Hippocrates’ Wisdom

Exercise / Increasing Positive Emotions / Physical Wellbeing

The Curative Effects of Swimming

And The Added Benefits Of Sea Swimming

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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So now, at this point in my healing journey, I am turning my attention towards exercise.

I think we all know the general benefits of exercising… Lower weight, better blood pressure, improved mental health, lower risk of heart problems, and so on… Basically, exercise gives you a longer and better quality of life. So I’m not going to try to sell you on the general idea of exercise. I’m going to assume you’ve already received that telegram!

Exercise As A Tool For Healing

I’m more specifically interested in what exercise might do for healing Type 1 Diabetes. Dr Kelly Turner highlights in her book ‘Radical Hope’ that exercise is also a crucial component of a healing journey. I also know that the two ex-Type 1 Diabetics Daniel Darkes and Johan Kotze both place great importance on exercise in their daily lives. Daniel Darkes is an ultra-marathon runner. Johan Kotze enjoys CrossFit and circuit classes.

So it would be pretty obvious that, at this point, I can just conclude this post by saying ‘Right, I’m going to run a long way regularly and do circuit classes. See ya!’. The thing is… I HATE running! And I’m not sure my body can do it any more either. I used to run. I even trained for a marathon in my twenties but, in the process of doing that, my leg broke and I got a blood clot. A kindly physiotherapist at the time told me that some bodies are just not designed for running and maybe I was one of those…!! I might have been adamantly against that sentiment at the time but I’ve grown to agree with her now, although for a very different reason. My reason is… I just don’t like it. And Dr Kelly Turner highlighted in her first book ‘Radical Remission‘ that it is important to increase positive emotions and remove negative/repressed emotions. So running flies in the face of that. I started to look for an alternative.

Finding My Form Of Exercise

I knew that I needed to find something that I could enjoy as well as challenge my cardio fitness. I also knew that I wanted it to be an activity based in nature. I believe that nature is deeply healing and gets our bodies to reset back to the way they’re actually supposed to work. I have always found that to be true for my mental health. When I’m all wound-up and stressed out, taking a walk in nature brings me right back to myself again. I suspect the power of nature works the same way for the physical body.

My first thought was to walk. It has a tonne of really great benefits without putting any part of the human anatomy (knees, lungs, heart) under unnecessary stress. But I suspected that in itself might be a problem. If it’s not stressing the cardio system, I won’t be exercising similarly to Daniel and Johan. On top of that, I live in a city so there’s not a lot of readily available nature around me. I would have to travel quite a distance to get somewhere nature-based and that would probably involve me walking in the desert. Anyone up for insane amounts of dehydration?! Yeah, me neither!

My next thought was the gym. I love lifting heavy weights, it makes me feel like superman. I have been to the gym off and on for years. A few months ago, I was attending regularly and, in a pretty short period of time, made some impressive improvements in the amount I could lift and felt like this was it for me! I also did back-to-back exercises so that kept my heart rate up too. But, after a while, I realised that I was coming away from each workout feeling extremely pumped up and a bit, well, edgy and aggressive. I was ready to fight. Weightlifting seemed to put me into a fight-or-flight mode, with the emphasis on fight. That just didn’t sit well with me. I wanted something that would reduce the inflammation, the fight-and-flight in my system, not increase it! So I stopped doing that. I needed to find something else.

Interestingly, I just found a passage in Dr Kelly Turner’s book ‘Radical Hope’ that adds weight to my intuitive stance that weightlifting is not good for my healing. In the book, there is a case study of a woman called Mary, who used to be a competitive weightlifter. She subsequently got diagnosed with cancer and then proceeded to heal herself from it. When deciding on what exercise to do as part of her healing work, she chose to avoid the weightlifting and instead chose yoga and gentle rebounding on a trampoline. She said she felt that going back to the gym was not right for her healing. My intuition seems to be agreeing with hers!

My Choice Of Exercise: Swimming

Both Daniel Darkes and Johan Kotze chose exercise formats that kept them moving and on-the-go. They effectively put themselves into flight mode (in the fight-or-flight response) during their training. So I had to pick something that enabled movement. I also wanted to choose something that I could do year-round. I live very close to a swimming pool so thought that might be a good option. It is a form of movement, it challenges my cardio system, it can be nature-based (when swimming outside) and is less likely to put unnecessary strain on my body, in the way that running did for me.

The thing is… I’m not very good at swimming! As a kid, my parents quite rightly insisted that I learnt to swim. So I went along every Wednesday afternoon when school finished to learn to swim. I hated it!! I kept asking my parents again and again if I could stop. And again and again they said no. In the end, my parents said that I had to keep going until I could swim 50 metres. They felt that would make me an adequate enough swimmer to keep me safe around water. The day I hit that target, I left my lessons and didn’t go back. The result was an adult who felt comfortable enough in water but swam slowly. I was the ‘doing-breaststroke-without-getting-my-face-or-hair-wet’ kind of swimmer!! I was functional in the water but it could not, in any vein, be considered aerobic exercise.

Four months ago, I changed that. I decided, at the ripe old age of 41, to take swimming lessons! I hoped to get more confident in my ability to swim, improve my stroke and get myself fast enough to actually challenge my lungs! It worked. I am now swimming 30 lengths of front crawl twice a week at my local pool. I feel proud of myself and I’m looking forward to improving more still.

Swimming In The Sea

Now that I feel I have a certain amount of prowess in the water(!), I have decided to take on my next personal challenge… Sea swimming. I wanted to escape from the chlorine and other chemicals in the pool environment and instead take myself to a more natural, and therefore more healing, environment.

I live pretty close to the sea so I felt that sea swimming would be a great option. This week, with my newly-gained swimming ability, I went and swam in the sea. I was terrified! I thought I might be dragged out to sea my some unseen current or be eaten by that Great White Shark that no one knew was in the water!! But it was actually fabulous. Being in such a wonderfully healing and natural environment just resonated with some part of me that had been thirsting for something unspoken. My self-confidence and self-esteem have also increased by taking on this challenge and facing this irrational fear of mine.

I hope to swim in the sea at least once a week now. It feels restorative. It feels good!

Health Benefits Of Sea Swimming

It turns out that my intuitive pull towards swimming in the sea actually comes with great merit. It turns out that the sea environment can reduce stress, promote deep sleep and relax the body. Furthermore, Wallace J. Nichols highlights in his book ‘Blue Mind‘ that swimming actually stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system – the system that is engaged when the body is not in fight-or-flight and is responsible for resting and repairing the body. This is the mode in which healing takes place.

The sea is also rich in a wide range of vitamins and minerals, including magnesium. Magnesium is an important nutrient for Type 1 Diabetes. I will talk about this in a later post but, for now, I will simply state that people with diabetes are likely to have lower magnesium levels due to insulin resistance and/or excessive loss due to fluctuating insulin sensitivities. Moreover, increased magnesium intake is associated with better blood sugar control. So, if it’s available to you, go and paddle in the sea!

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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July 12, 2021

Read more about the article The Curative Effects of Swimming

Releasing Suppressed Emotions / Taking Control of My Health

Switching Off The Idiot Box!

From A Crutch To A Restraint

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: The author discusses how television was once her lifeline during severe depression, but now it’s time to break free. From therapy to rebuilding her life, she’s evolved. Limiting TV to weekends helped, but its emotional impact and numbing effect no longer align with her healing journey. It’s time to eliminate it for a more balanced life.

Television. My latest addiction to be kicked to the curb.

Nearly ten years ago, I was depressed. Severely depressed. I was so depleted of energy and life force that I could not get up off the sofa. I wanted to be a functioning, even respectable, member of the human race but I couldn’t do it. Life was too hard. I would spend whole days lying on that sofa, every ounce of me willing myself to… JUST. SIT. UP. I couldn’t do it. The idea of leaving the house was terrifying too. I couldn’t walk down my street. I was pervaded by feelings of unknown terror that I just couldn’t explain. All I knew was that the whole world was just too unsafe and I was too weak to be able to cope.

I spent my days watching TV. But the majority of programmes on the telly required too much from me… Following a complex plot or intricate dialogue was beyond me. It wasn’t that I was stupid, far from it, I just wasn’t well. But the chat show, ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, was my nectar. I watched repeats for five or six hours a day. It got me through. It was my lifeline and kept me in touch with the world.

Roll forward ten years, which included lots of therapy, some medication and a lot of rebuilding of my life, I am in a completely different place. Now, it’s time to give up the telly. The only time I watch TV now in my life is in the evening. I used to veg out most evenings watching it but I realised how much of my life I was wasting. I wanted to journal, do art, deepen the relationship with my husband, play board games… The telly was absorbing too much of my time. So my husband and I agreed to just keep telly to the weekends. My husband likes watching the telly, particularly movies, so I didn’t want to take that away from him.

This weekend-only telly routine suited me perfectly over the last year or two. However, it doesn’t sit right with me anymore. I have become more highly tuned to what is going on in my life. Consequently, I have become aware of the violence, the swearing and the drama I watch on the telly and its impact on me. Telly is successful because of the emotional sway it has. You enjoy being romanced, scared, deceived or shocked by the programme you watch. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. And I also don’t want to use the telly anymore for the numbing effect it has. If I’m tired or fed up or annoyed about something, I mong out in front of the telly to switch off. Not anymore.

So the next step on my healing journey is to eliminate the television. I’m sure that I will still watch it on occasion but I will be careful with it. On the whole, I will avoid the violent, the dark and the destructive. I am sure there will be the occasional movie or show that still choose to watch but it will the exception, rather than the rule. After all, a life well lived is one of balance and moderation in all areas.

Tell me, readers, do you find that television also has a negative impact on you, your mood or your life? Is it taking you away from activities you would find more meaningful? Have you found some strategies or implement some boundaries around telly consumption that you have found particularly helpful? Please share below!

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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July 5, 2021

Read more about the article Switching Off The Idiot Box!

Increasing Positive Emotions

40th Anniversary of Diabetes!

And Still Going Strong

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: Celebrating 40 years with diabetes, reflecting on challenges and changes. From boiling syringes to modern treatments, it’s been a journey. Childhood memories of primitive tools contrast with a life filled with adventures, marriage, and motherhood. Despite daily struggles, health and happiness prevail. The author is grateful for surviving and thriving on this milestone Diaversary.

Happy Diaversary to me!!

Today is my 40th anniversary of life with diabetes. It feels like a really epic milestone. I’m taking a moment to think back to all the challenges, the daily grind of blood sugar control, the medicines I used to use, all that’s changed over all the years.

At the risk of sounding really old(!), I’m recalling my early childhood with diabetes when you had to boil glass syringes to sterilise them, when there were no such things as blood-testing machines (anyone else remember those little coloured strips that you used to test your blood?!) and weeing on test strips for all kinds of medical purposes was really à la mode!! I remember the beds for children in hospitals that consisted of metal bars all around the perimeter.. My mum and dad thought that I was going to die on the day I was diagnosed. I was really, really sick. Then the diagnosis came and the dawning realisation of what a life with diabetes would actually look like. It wasn’t easy and I’m not going to pretend it was. There were some really, really tough times.

But I’m also remembering all that I’ve got to enjoy over the years. I have ridden horses, skydived, scuba dived, got a motorcycle licence, travelled the world, got married, had a daughter. And, most importantly, I have good health. I get to enjoy my life in the way that I want. My diabetes is secondary to that. Sure, I do the daily grind of injections and blood tests. I do the hospital appointments and check-ups and calls to the doctor when things just aren’t going right. I get it right, I get it wrong, I try again. But I survive and thrive. On my fortieth anniversary, I give thanks for that.

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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June 20, 2021

Read more about the article 40th Anniversary of Diabetes!

Exercise / Hydration / Increasing Positive Emotions / Nutrition / Spirituality / Taking Control of My Health / Yoga

Bedtime Routine

A Better End To The Day For Better Healing

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: Previously resisting structure, the author has finally embraced a bedtime routine for healing. Yoga stretches, skincare, dental care, hydration, gratitudes, and prayer now anchor her evenings. Planning the next day ensures productivity without stress. Fiction reading and experimenting with sound frequencies add relaxation. Candlelight aids skincare, all in pursuit of restful sleep and holistic healing.

The Bedtime Routine. I don’t know why I have resisted this concept for such a long, long time. It could be that it’s because I’m a night owl. I love those deeply quiet and restful hours of the early morning when the world is asleep and peaceful. Or it could be because, as a parent, those few hours after the little ones are asleep seem so short and so full of possibility.

Whatever the reason, I resisted and resisted giving my evening hours to something as structured as a ‘routine’. It felt onerous and long-winded and, well, just hard work at the end of a long day. But I knew that it was a brilliant time to be working on healing, rather than my total number of accumulated telly hours, so I took the plunge. And, as is my way, I went at it with full force…!

Designing My Bedtime Routine

I considered many options for my bedtime routine. Audiobooks, reading, baths (with or without essential oils, epsom salts and all other kinds of healing products), hydration, reflections on my day, gratitudes, affirmations, yoga, stretching, journalling, diffusing essential oils, facial cleansing routines, drinking herbal teas and so on…!

I started to realise that, if I didn’t narrow down my to-do list, I would actually still be awake in the early hours of the morning but, this time, it would be because I was still slogging through my bedtime routine! I decided to trust my intuition on this and go with what I felt drawn towards. Some things jumped out at me immediately…

Yoga Stretches (10 Minutes)

I felt some yoga stretches before bed sounded great. I love yoga and always feel restored and relaxed after spending some time on the mat. However, it’s something I only seem to do sporadically these days so the idea of incorporating that into a daily routine ticked both boxes. So yoga was in.

Cleanse, Tone And Moisturise (5 Minutes)

My appearance, and more importantly how I feel about my appearance, has become more important to me over the preceding months. I have never really invested in my skin and have always found beauty regimes to be too much effort for too little output. But a simple cleansing and moisturising routine felt doable. So that made the list.

Brush And Floss Teeth (5 Minutes)

Of course, dental hygiene goes without saying! I would like to have teeth when I get to old age and diabetics are at increased risk for a whole host of dental problems, including being more prone to gum disease. As part of my intention to reduce toxins in my life, I considered using herbal toothpaste. I actually started this and bought a well-known brand. However, within three months of using this, I was found to have my first ever filling. Perhaps coincidence, perhaps not. But I didn’t want to risk any more problems so I’ve scrubbed that idea and gone back to standard toothpaste. So… Teeth brushing (with a standard toothpaste!), check. Flossing, check.

A Glass Of Water (1 Minute)

Hydration. So, as you know, I now live in an extremely hot desert climate so hydration is on my mind at all hours! I never used to drinking water at night because it often disrupted my sleep due to much needed loo break. However, out here, I am now waking up each morning feeling very thirsty and that doesn’t create a good bodily environment for healing. A glass of water is now part of my night-time ritual.

Gratitudes (5 Minutes)

I tried to make a gratitude practice part of my morning routine but I struggled to name lots of things I was grateful for when I’d just staggered out of bed! I always seemed able to remember to be grateful for my sleep but that was about it!! I hope that, by making this part of my evening routine, I will be able to reflect on my day and all the wonderful moments in it. I hope it will therefore strengthen and deepen my gratitude practice. For now, I will start with three gratitudes every night.

Prayer (1 Minute)

How much did I resist prayer in my life?? Wow, it has hardcore! For years, I didn’t want to pray to a god that I felt had cursed me with diabetes. I didn’t feel He/She deserved as much as a hello from me! I think that the addition of prayer into my night-time routine shows just how far I have come on my healing journey already. I don’t have any set format for praying. I just treat it as a time for me and God to talk, for me to say whatever’s on my mind and, when I can, offer gratitude for all that He/She has done for me and given me.

Plan For The Next Day (18 Minutes)

i have been getting more into self-development lately and I have heard again and again the phrase ‘those who fail to plan, plan to fail’. I don’t know how much that is true but I do know that, on the days that I have made a plan for my time, I get a whole lot more done than on the days when I don’t plan. So planning is in there. But please note that this is not an all-out plan-every-minute kind of thing. It’s more ‘these are the things I want to get done and what is the best order I can do it in’. If I plotted every minute of my day, I dissolve into a stress heap when I got five minutes behind schedule. That isn’t good for creating a stress-free environment for my healing to take place!

Reading Fiction (15 Minutes)

Ah, reading! I love reading!! I have found that, as my healing journey continues, I seem to be devoting more and more of my time to reading factual books about healing. Consequently, less and less of my time is devoted to reading fiction. I feel the balance between work and play is important in life so time needs to be made for enjoyment and relaxation. Reading fiction answers this call for me. Moreover, a gentle story sets me up well to drift off into the land of nod so I have added 15 minutes of reading fiction to my plan.

Finishing Touches

Once I’d worked out what I wanted to include in my bedtime routine, I then had to figure out how long to allocated to each item (see above). I didn’t want to spend more than an hour on my routine so I allocated that hour according to how long I felt each activity would realistically take. I might have to adjust as time goes on.

Then, the last thing to do was decide the order of the activities. I decided I would start in my bathroom as this was the furthest from my bed. That meant doing my ‘cleanse, tone and moisturise face’ and ‘brush and floss teeth’ first. I followed those with my yoga stretches in my bedroom, since these needed to be completed before I could get into bed. Then, from the comfort of my bed, I chose to plan my day first. I knew that this activity would wake my brain up a bit and I needed to save some more calming, less engaging activities for after that. I therefore follow my planning with my glass of water, gratitudes and prayer. I complete the routine with reading my fiction book for fifteen minutes and then turn the light off. Job done! Night night, sleep well.

A Couple Of Extra Things

You might have noticed that I have added candlelight to my skincare routine and sound frequencies to my yoga stretches. The reason for the candlelight is due to something I read in the book ‘Sleep by Nick Littlehales’. He discusses the importance of avoiding bright light on the run-up to bedtime. I really recommend that book if you need to improve the quantity and/or quality of your sleep!

The reason for the sound frequencies is a little less delineated in my mind. I have been hearing great things about the healing qualities of sound frequencies and so I have started to experiment with solfeggio frequencies. Because of the link diabetes has to past trauma and the solar plexus chakra, I am focussing on the frequency of 417 Hz. At the moment, the only time I play solfeggio frequencies is during these ten minutes that I’m doing my bedtime yoga poses. But it’s a start!

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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June 14, 2021

Read more about the article Bedtime Routine

Blood Sugar Control / Emotional Wellbeing / Favourites / Physical Wellbeing / Releasing Suppressed Emotions

Get Yourself a Hug!

Hugging Others And Hugging Yourself Leads To Healing

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: Hugging triggers oxytocin release, promoting social bonding and reducing cortisol. Early-life touch shapes vagus nerve development crucial for health. The author’s Type 1 Diabetes led to touch aversion due to medical interventions. This aversion resembles sensory defensiveness. The Hoffman Process helped the author embrace hugs, easing stress responses. During COVID, when human touch can be risky, self-hugging offers similar benefits, promoting relaxation and healing.

When I was growing up, I had a teddy bear called ‘Fete Day’. My great aunt won him for me at our village fete when I was one year old. That day, I received Fete Day… And also my diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes. Fete Day was by my side during my stay in hospital and was with me throughout the whole of my childhood. I loved him until his leg fell off and had to be ‘operated on’ (sewn back into place!) by my mum. To me, that bear was, and still is, ‘real’. (If you’re not sure what I mean by ‘real’… Please, please, please read the Velveteen Rabbit. It’s an absolutely beautiful book!)

I never used to like being hugged. Fete Day was the exception. He was a safe option. Thankfully, I came from a family where hugs were generally not high on the priority list and certainly didn’t feature in my daily life. I felt safer when I wasn’t hugged. This is unlikely to be without consequences, though.

The Psychobiology Of Hugging

The act of hugging produces a series of psychobiological effects in the body. Primarily, it releases the peptide oxytocin, which is responsible for facilitating social interaction and wellbeing, as well as reducing the stress hormone cortisol.

Regular hugging and touch is also essential in early childhood to facilitate the proper development of the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is a nerve that runs from the head to the gut. It is the main component of the parasympathetic nervous system, which contributes to a wide range of bodily functions, including digestion and regulating heart rate.

So, without hugging in early childhood, and then into adulthood, the body will be rife with raised cortisol levels, poorer digestive function and inhibited social functioning.

Type 1 Diabetes And The Fear Of Touch

As I have worked on my healing and investigated my internal world, something has become clear to me about my aversion to hugging. I believe that my unwillingness to engage in this social norm is easily explained when you look at my experiences through childhood. In my life, human touch was often followed by sharp pain as the needle of the next syringe went into my bodily tissue or the next finger-prick was required for blood testing. The vast majority of interactions of touch followed this pattern. Therefore, the association of touch with pain was strengthened everyday in my mind. The next touch would most likely cause the next serving of pain. Touch became physically, and emotionally, painful to me.

‘Social Defensiveness’ And Type 1 Diabetes

The medical community have come up with some names for this response. Firstly, there is ‘sensory defensiveness’, where a person (adult or child) reacts with a strong ‘fight-or-flight’ (or ‘freeze’) response to a stimulus or sensation that most people wouldn’t consider threatening. Touch is one of these sensations.

Secondly, there is ‘haphephobia’. This is when the aversion to touch has become so marked that it develops into a full phobia. People with haphephobia will have strong fear or anxiety when thinking about being touched. This will demonstrate itself physiologically with an increased heart rate, sweating, hot flushes, tingling and other fight-or-flight symptoms. Social situations became near impossible for these people and life can become extremely difficult.

I don’t for one second think I have haphephobia but sensory defensiveness feels appropriate. For years, when someone came towards me for a hug, I would brace my body and hunch my shoulders. My breathing rate would slow or stop. I would turn side-on so that the person ended up hugging my side, rather than my vulnerable chest area. My whole body had effectively gone into a paused mode, a freeze response.

Medical News Today states that haphephobia can be caused by experiencing a traumatic event that involved being touched. I believe the continuous onslaught of invasive medical treatments, at an age when I could not understand, would have created such a ‘little t’ trauma that resulted in a strong aversion to touch.

Healing A Hugging Aversion

The turning point for me in hugging career(!) came when I attended the Hoffman Process. This process was life-changing for me. Whilst I will not be going into the details of what the process involves (I wouldn’t want to ruin the fun if you haven’t done it yet!!), I will say that it completely transformed my ability to hug. I learnt to feel safe in a hug.

I still cannot face being hugged, or touched in any way, when I am angry or extremely upset. When my fight-or-flight response is activated, hugging is off the agenda. But, normally, I now happily welcome hugs from friends and family. When I hug now, I feel this initial moment when my body is tense and my breathing subsides. But, if I wait maybe just five or ten seconds, I feel my whole system relax as this wave washes over me. It’s like my whole body is giving a long, slow exhale or sigh.

My self-observation of this effect is actually supported by scientific research. This study shows how many forms of physical touch, including hugging, is associated with lower blood pressure, lower heart rate, and higher oxytocin levels.

Hugging In COVID Times

Have you seen ‘The Minimalists: Less is Now’ on Netflix? The Minimalists are two guys, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, who promote the idea of living a good life with less stuff. I love that!

In their documentary, there is a scene where they explain that they are ‘huggers’. They like to hug, rather than shake hands when they meet people. (I assume this was filmed in pre-COVID days!). This scene got me thinking about how they have so successfully implemented a robust hugging schedule(!) in their lives without having to either add it to their to-do list or count their hugs to ensure they have hit a hugging minimum for the day. It just simply is… ‘See a person, hug them’!

I’d love to employ the same strategy, knowing that it is contributing to my health, healing and happiness so effectively. But, in these current COVID times, I’m not sure it’s the wisest idea for a diabetic. It certainly comes with additional risks!

Hug Yourself!

I believe that there are two workarounds for the ‘no hugging during COVID times’ conundrum.

Firstly, I intend to hug, and hug often, everyone I live with (as long as they don’t test positively for COVID or start exhibiting symptoms!), including my dogs! I’m sure they will benefit from this as much as I will.

Secondly, I can hug myself. This study has found that, like hugging others, self-hugging releases the love hormone oxytocin and also produces anti-stress effects, such as reduced blood pressure and cortisol levels. It also improves the function of the gastrointestinal tract. In other words, it takes the body from a state of ‘fight-or-flight’ to one of relaxation… And relaxation is where the healing takes place.

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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June 7, 2021

Read more about the article Get Yourself a Hug!

Emotional Wellbeing / Releasing Suppressed Emotions

Book: ‘Forgiveness’ by Iyanla Vanzant

A Step-By-Step Process For Forgiveness

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: In her blog post, the author recounts her journey using Iyanla Vanzant’s book “Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything”. Initially skeptical, she found the structured daily forgiveness process challenging yet transformative. Despite some religious undertones and the need for additional tapping scripts, the experience ultimately led her to profound personal healing and a new perspective on forgiveness as a path to inner peace and healing.

Having decided to try forgiveness (see my blog post here for that adventure!), I wasn’t sure where to start. I turned to trusted(!) Google to explore my options. The option that jumped out at me most was the book ‘Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive Everyone for Everything’ by Iyanla Vanzant. It sounded fantastic! I could do this whole forgiveness thing, for everyone in my life, in just 21 days?! I was in!!

Iyanla Vanzant’s Book: Forgiveness: 21 Days To Forgive Everyone For Everything

Iyanla Vanzant’s book is based on a structure to follow each day for 21 days. You start by forgiving yourself on day one and then the book extends out to forgiving your body, your life, your parents, women in general, men in general, other family members and so on. It is definitely an all-encompassing, covers everything kind of book!

The process for each day consists of meditation, prayer, some beautiful passages to read, then scripting the tapping exercises (instructions are provided). Then you perform the tapping exercises until you have forgiven all of your resentments. Then, you end the practice with another meditation.

My Lived Experience Of The Book

My experience of the book was definitely mixed. Each day, you are asked to forgive yourself for what you have believed about others, rather than directly forgiving those who have hurt you. I found this really tough in the first few days. I was resentful and angry that I had to forgive myself for what I believed about my mother/father/brother/sister etc. when I felt it was those, not me, that needed forgiving. A part of me felt like I was being blamed for having somehow misunderstood my own reality.

I also found the tapping process to be challenging to start with. I had already had experience of tapping through Nick Ortner’s book ‘The Tapping Solution’ but this had different tapping points and required me to draft my own tapping scripts. I found it all a bit complicated and overwhelming to start with. But I kept at it.

A few days in, the process got easier. I understood what I was doing. In general, it wasn’t taking me so long to get through the reading and tapping. And I started to soften. As I tapped, I witnessed new thoughts arrive as I worked through the scripts. I would start the process feeling adamant that someone had done me wrong but, as the tapping continued, I would find new insights and new thoughts about the same belief unfolded. These thoughts were definitely new, things that I could not have thought about the people who had wronged me. At these moments, forgiveness entered my life.

Don’t get me wrong, though. This process was hard work. For some people in my life, forgiveness was slow to come and I had to repeat the tapping scripts many, many times. I went well over an hour on some occasions. I had to take breaks and come back. At worst, I procrastinated for six days about forgiving one particular person! But I did return and I kept at it until I had finished.

My Review Of The Book

In total, the whole process took me forty days (including all my days of procrastination and outright avoidance!!). I found the book held me well through the process and I liked that meditation and readings were also included each day. It gave me more depth to the forgiveness process and more understanding of what was to be gained by continuing.

I am glad that I have done this work. I feel so much better from the experience. I feel lighter and less burdened. I am more at peace, more joyful and more present to myself. I feel I have gained a lot from the experience. It gave me more understanding of the responsibility I hold for my own happiness and that forgiveness is possible for me.

I also now understand, having witnessed my feelings unfold during the tapping process, how my emotions can shift in relation to the same set of inputs about any situation, even without processing my emotional response to it first.

I have also learnt that forgiveness is a process. This book has really helped me attain forgiveness for so many old hurts and wounds. I feel lighter and more at peace, whilst still being aware that some things still haven’t shifted. In that regard, I suspect that I will need to return to this book periodically to ‘top up’ my forgiveness. I think it will be a tool I continue to use going forward in my life.

A Couple Of Caveats

My first caveat is that there are only a handful of tapping scripts provided in the book to use with the different groups of people to forgive. I found those that were provided to be extremely helpful and made the day’s forgiveness practice much easier and quicker. I would have appreciated having more of these scripts throughout the weeks.

My second caveat about this book is that it is definitely faith-based. It feels Christian in nature to me and some of the prayers feel very religious in nature. But it can still definitely work for people who, like me, would include themselves in the ‘spiritual but not religious group’. But for agnostics and atheists, I think this may be too faith-based to work for you.

My Learning Through This Process

I really feel transformed from having committed to Iyanla Vanzant’s ’21 Days to Forgiveness’. It has taught me how the process of forgiveness is more important for me than for the other person involved. Forgiveness is about your relationship with yourself, not about the other. But, by forgiving the other, it will always change the relationship between you both. If you change yourself, others can’t help but then change in response to you. The conditions for the very relationship have changed. But I do not think that that should be the reason for undertaking forgiveness work. I think the pain has to be sat with and your own perspective has to be heard and validated first.

I am now sitting in a new place, where I can appreciate the traumas I went through in a new light. In their own way, they have opened me up to more of life. My spirituality has definitely had a part to play in this too, though. It has enabled me to reach for the understanding that everything that has happened to me has happened with a purpose behind it. That belief then leads me to acceptance of the fact that I am enough, just as I am. I am not flawed or imperfect. I am whole and complete. The wounds I carry are part of my beauty – they open me up to more joy and beauty in the world. Having reached that place, forgiveness comes easily because I am worthy of forgiveness. Once I saw that I was worthy of forgiveness, even with my flaws and wounds, then others are also worthy of that same forgiveness too. Forgiveness is the antidote to anger, which leads to healing. Healing is where I am and where I’m heading.

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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May 31, 2021

Read more about the article Book: ‘Forgiveness’ by Iyanla Vanzant

Emotional Wellbeing / Releasing Suppressed Emotions

My Path To Forgiveness

A Key Component Of Healing

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: Navigating from anger to forgiveness has been a journey steeped in trauma and healing. Initially resistant, I harboured deep resentment towards medical professionals and life’s injustices. Therapy and a compassionate doctor finally validated my pain, enabling me to soften and eventually forgive. Insights from Jung and experiences like a retreat and Ramadan underscored the transformative power of forgiveness in my healing journey.

Having just posted on anger, it is obvious that the next thing I am likely to write about is forgiveness. Unfortunately, it has not been so obvious or easy for me to make that transition from anger to forgiveness. I held a lot of anger in my body, my mind and my soul for years. I was angry with myself, my family, doctors, hospitals, the world, God. And I was damn sure that I was never gonna forgive any of them for anything!!

Angry With The World… And Every Medical Professional I’d Ever Seen!

I used to believe that forgiveness should be earned through regret, remorse, apology, demonstrations of understanding and compassion for the hurt caused. For me, the majority of my trauma revolved around the medical treatment I received for my Type 1 Diabetes as a child. Back in the 1980s, medical treatments were pretty barbaric. Syringes were the size of horse syringes today. Medical interventions for hypos involved brutal and intrusive processes for getting sugar back into your blood. Quantity of life (life continuing) was always valued over the quality of life.

I became so angry that the whole medical profession and the whole world colluded to perform these practices on me and deem them to be okay. After all, if these practices didn’t have the label ‘medical intervention’ placed on them – if someone were to stab sharp bits of metal into your body multiple times a day without explanation – it would be deemed to be a criminal act or an act of torture. But it was okay because, in my case, it was a medical treatment.

Interestingly, in the end, it was a doctor that helped me to normalise my medical trauma. I went to see him for help with anxiety and depression that I was struggling with at the time. He took a case history from me and then, without even a heartbeat, confirmed that I would obviously have Complex PTSD from my childhood experiences. It turned out that, during his training, he had worked in the children’s ward of his local hospital and had witnessed firsthand what children like me had gone through. He knew the trauma it caused because he had witnessed it.

My doctor’s open acknowledgement of my traumatic experience enabled me to start shifting. I was then able to mourn my loss in therapy, rather than continuing to sit in my pain. I softened. That softening enabled me to start loving. I could start loving myself. I became an observer of my life. I saw my own humanity for the first time. I realised how I have made more than my fair share of mistakes. How I had caused pain and suffering to others and needed their forgiveness. I also realised the pain that my lack of forgiveness was causing me. It was ensuring my wounds stayed open and were unable to heal. And I needed to forgive myself for that too.

I ended up seeing how my lack of forgiveness was causing so much of my own suffering. I intuitively knew that I needed to forgive to heal. This was confirmed by Kelly Turner in her amazing book ‘Radical Remission’ (see my blog post here for a more detailed explanation). I was the one who was carrying too much old stuff around on my shoulders and in my body. I needed to put that weight down. But I could only reach that point once my story had been truly heard.

My Route To Forgiveness

When I think about my route to forgiveness, I am reminded of Carl Jung’s writing in his memoir ‘Memories, Dreams, Reflections’…

I have witnessed such an evolution in my path to forgiveness. It has been simultaneously both a direct route and a long and winding path.

Forgiveness Is For Yourself, Not The Other Person

To start with, I fought. I fought the idea of forgiveness. How dare anyone require me to forgive! I was wronged! People deserved to pay for what they had done to me and withholding my forgiveness was the only just punishment I could think of.

Of course, I heard people say that forgiveness was not for the other person but for yourself. That meant nothing me. All I knew was that if I forgave, they would be off the hook and the wrongs would never be righted. But I did do due diligence. Whilst holding the anger and the hate, I also looked at it. I talked about in therapy. I understood what positives holding onto the anger gave me. I fought until my voice, my experience, was heard and validated. When that happened, the fight wasn’t as strong. There was less of a need to have my wrongs righted. I improved. I felt better. But I still didn’t forgive. To be honest, I forgot about it and moved on. What happened was what happened and there was nothing else that could be done.

The idea of forgiveness revisited me when I went on a weekend desert retreat in November last year. A whole section of the retreat was dedicated to forgiveness. I still clearly remember one of my group talking about how she just forgives everyone, as soon as they hurt her. I still remember how I reacted. I almost balked at her suggestion. How on earth could she do that? Why on earth would she do that?!?!

I did my best to take part in the retreat’s exercises on forgiveness but, to be honest, I just felt this blankness, this numbness. This feeling demonstrated to me that I I didn’t really know what forgiveness was and I certainly didn’t know how to do it. But, interestingly, those questions showed a spark, the start of a curiosity into the concept of forgiveness. I let that percolate in my psyche from that time on.

The Theme of Forgiveness During Ramadan

Then, last month, Ramadan was celebrated where I live. Forgiveness is one of the main themes of Ramadan and I think with good cause. A world where forgiveness comes first will always be more beautiful.

I witnessed instances of forgiveness occurring throughout my life. The Universe kept putting the idea in front of me until I could no longer turn away. It felt like the time to try forgiveness for myself.

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Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

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May 24, 2021

Read more about the article My Path To Forgiveness

Emotional Wellbeing / Releasing Suppressed Emotions

Carrying the Anger of Diabetes

From Anger To Increasing Peace

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Summary: Diabetes has been my unwelcome companion. From childhood defiance to adult acceptance, my journey has been coloured by anger, frustration, and questions of fairness. Through grief and healing practices like yoga and psychotherapy, I’ve made more peace. Diabetes, though challenging, gifted me resilience, mathematical prowess, and a deep appreciation for life’s complexity. Now, peace, love, and joy are prevailing more often.

When I was little, starting from maybe five or six years old, I used to do everything I could to avoid being diabetic. I believed that, if I pretended hard enough, diabetes would just go away. In this vein, I used to tell my dad that I no longer wanted to be diabetic. I insisted that, from that moment on, I wasn’t going to have injections or blood tests anymore. My dad always responded, in a light but matter-of-fact tone, with “Okay, then. But, just so you know, your fingers and toes will probably fall off so you’ll need to make plans for that.”

And that was the end of the non-diabetic dream (at that time, anyway!!). In its place, came anger and tears, frustration and resentment. Why wouldn’t I be angry? Suddenly, it’s impossible to have any real level of control in my life. The rules of diabetes are far outweighed by the exceptions to those rules. I looked around at other people and wondered why the hell I ended up with this. I didn’t ask for this. Why me? What had I done so wrong?

The Angry Diabetic

How angry was I? Let me count the ways… One one thousand, two one thousands…!!

There were so many things that made me angry. Of course, there were the usual culprits that I think are so common in the lives of diabetics…

Giving the same amount of insulin three days in a row for the same meal and ending up with three completely different blood sugar readings.
Having someone ask for the millionth time if I got diabetes because I ate too many sweets as a child (um, no... I only started solid foods less than a year before I was diagnosed!).
Having your endocrinologist set your targets, you hit them, then they just raise the targets without saying so much as 'well done'.
Being told off by a (usually non-diabetic) doctor for some perceived fault in your blood sugar management when you've already tried everything humanly possible to correct or improve it.
Being told off by a (usually non-diabetic) doctor for some perceived fault in your blood sugar management when you've already tried everything humanly possible to correct or improve it.
Having the embarrassment of a hypo in a public setting. And then the requirement to give reassurances to the witnesses who feel they went through 'so much' watching you hypo (try being unconscious instead!!).
Asking... "Why me?"

Under these obvious losses, though, were the more nuanced ones. The shame of feeling less than normal, of being ‘different’. The times when you miss out on the spontaneity of life as you’re having to think about where your next meal is coming from or if you have enough medication for that spontaneous, unplanned event. It also certainly adds extra dynamics to your dating life and long-term relationships. There are losses everywhere and the grief is felt.

Loss And Grief

I’ve been on a long journey since then. I have got to know the anger in me. I have sat bravely with it when it has roared out in pain. I have given it a voice when I wanted to shut it down most. I have learnt that, under the anger, there exists a gentle soul who is crying out in need. As the old adage says…

The loss that I found hardest of all to come to terms with and grieve was the ever-present distrust of my body. I was living with a physical entity that somehow had a mind of its own. And an existential uncertainty existed in my life that I was aware that my peers did not have.

I couldn’t trust my health. I couldn’t trust that I would be well at any point in time. And I couldn’t trust how long I might live. At eleven years of age, my diabetic consultant told me that I should expect to lose one year of life for every ten years of diabetes I lived through (More recent data suggests it may be more bleak than that.) I had therefore already lost one year of my life, when I’d barely got started. A very sobering thought for someone so young. In that way, my mortality was ever-present to me in a way it wasn’t for other children. Each unconscious hypo (which were pretty common for a brittle diabetic child in the 1980s) reminded me of this lack of invincibility.

Processing The Anger

I have learnt that it’s okay to feel angry. In fact, I now believe that it is vital to feel it. I suspect that deep-seated, unfelt, unexpressed anger may contribute to the development of T1D in the first place.

I have grieved the losses. I have ranted and raved. I have moaned and whinged. I have wept. I have cried out ‘It’s not faaaaaaaaair!’ a multitude of times, both as a child and as an adult. But all of this has also enabled me to make peace with my diabetes.

Personally, I have found a combination of yoga for mental health psychotherapy and the Hoffman Process (in that order) to be most useful for healing my anger. I honestly believe that my body was holding the majority (if not all) of the anger that I hadn’t been able to work through. I have witnessed my insulin requirements reduce with each step along the path to healing my anger.

It hasn’t been easy but I have now got to a place where I am truly grateful to have diabetes. It has made me an excellent mathematician (insulin-to-carb ratios, anyone?? Or, my favourite, my parents testing me on multiplication sums, like 16 x 17, to check I was back to normal after a hypo!).

On a deeper level, though, diabetes has encouraged me to look after myself and my body in a way that I suspect a non-diabetic body wouldn’t have. It has shown me the necessity of defending my needs and the value of true relationships – those who love me enough to willingly help me when I’ve needed it. Diabetes has also given me a fascination and awe for the complexity and beauty of the miracle that is the human body. I also love how it has become my invitation to the journey of healing, something that lights me up in a way that the usual routine of life never will.

Sure, I still have times where I am frustrated, angry even, and want it all to go away. But those moments are no longer long-lived They are now frequently and easily replaced with peace, love and joy.

GET HEALINGT1D’S FUTURE ARTICLES IN YOUR INBOX!

Get the latest musings and findings straight to your email inbox.

Natalie Leader

Natalie is a blogger with Type 1 Diabetes. Natalie's special gifts are questioning the status quo and being a rebel. She is using these gifts to question medical 'knowledge' and find a true cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

The content of the HealingT1D website is for educational and information purposes only. It does not contain medical advice. The contents of this website are not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Please always consult with your doctor, physician, or other qualified healthcare professional before making any adjustments to your routine or healthcare regime. HealingT1D and all associated with it will not be held liable for any risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.

Recent Comments:

latestModapks on Daniel Darkes
Natalie Leader on Daniel Darkes
Senna on Daniel Darkes
Sandra on High Blood Pressure
Natalie Leader on What Is Type 1 Diabetes REALLY?

0 Comments

May 17, 2021